As a person who’s always scared and unsure, I find social media as a way to express myself more and show people what I could offer. Most times, I feel incapable of showing my true self in the real world. And if the real world could offer likes and dislikes, I would probably get a lot of dislikes. I care about what people say and how they see me as an individual. There are some things that I can’t openly tell the world so I tend to let it out on the virtual world. This is where I started engaging in twitter and having a fan account. More than the fangirling itself with my community, I feel accepted in a way that, this is where I usually speak my mind up and show people who I really am without the fear of being judge. Everyone is anonymous, you don’t get to see their real faces, there are no certain physical judgement, everyone focuses on the content you offer and how you engage and make friends with people. I feel free and accepted and it is something that made me feel I was actually part of something.
But as time goes by, I find myself drowning in the depths of the virtual world. I couldn’t get enough of it, I was crazy about it. I realized that it was eating my system up and my friends actually calls me out on how I tend to be ‘absent presence.’ They would call me out whenever we hang out because I was busy tweeting, replying to direct messages and talking to my friends online. I was very vocal on what I feel about the comfort I get in the virtual world and it seems like I was putting their efforts and actual presence as a friend aside. Then it hit me, I was being unfair. I’m with them but I’m mentally and emotionally engaged to somewhere else. At first, I was telling myself that it’s okay, it’s not my problem that I feel like a nobody in our circle and I’m someone in my community online. And if given a chance, I will choose the latter because that’s where I feel like myself most. But am I really a nobody in real life or am I just shutting people out because I was too afraid and never gave them the chance to know what’s inside me?
The thing is, I never felt accepted because I never gave them a chance to know me and I quickly assumed that I would never be accepted for who I am. So slowly, I tried to have an actual conversations with some of my friends, one-by-one, and baby steps. And it was actually heart-warming that you get that certain satisfaction and acceptance just by a hug or a smile. It is something that the virtual world can’t offer, the physical touch, the intimacy that only the heart can feel. That you don’t need certain group of words and sentences to feel like you belong and you are a somebody.
I still engage myself with my online friends because they’re real friends. They’re not just merely virtual friends, they exist, and they’re real. But this time, I don’t solely depend on them on how I see myself. I’ve been more open and vocal to my friends in the real world and I have realized that truthfully speaking, I don’t always need to rely on somebody on how I see myself and continuously battle with myself whether I’m acceptable in the eyes of many.
The social media can be overwhelming at times but let us not forget that acceptance starts within us and when you actually started accepting, liking, and loving yourself in this chaotic generation wherein everyone says a lot about everything, no one can disturb your peace of mind and that’s something we need.
— Canlas, Xandra Vir Gabrielle B.
COMM2B 